An Open Letter to the Man Speaking Extra Loudly at Barnes and Noble

And now, an excerpt from the “Evil In My Heart” Journal

I am sure this moment has been highly anticipated.

Dear Loud Mouth,

We can all hear you. You have made your presence known. There is no need to speak any louder. There is no need to speak and look around the café to make sure that we are looking at you. We are.

We can tell that you believe that the volume in your voice directly relates to your importance in life. Apparently, you are VERY important.

While I truly appreciate that you want to figure out this difficult “math issue” with your companion, I hope that you will be able to appreciate where I am coming from.

Tonight is my Mommy Night Out. I am here to escape little people who believe that the world only revolves around them. The only difference between you and the infant and toddler that I am spending my days with would be that they have enough sense not to use the questionable language that you are.

It is apparent that you are trying to appear “hard” or “tough” by the words coming out of your mouth, but I have news for you. You are a scrawny, older man with a receding hairline. I have no fear. In fact, if I saw you alone in an empty parking lot at night, I would worry for you more than I would worry for myself.

Don’t be offended. I can tell by the way that you are dressed this evening that you do not have anyone in your life being brutally honest with you right now. Consider this some friendly help from someone who has a serious interest in your volume reduction.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Patron